okay pat passed out under dana's car
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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