1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
