you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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