I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
