It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
