Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
