Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
