All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize