I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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