I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize