omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
