The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Can you bring me the toilet please
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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