He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just made my gag reflex go away.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
