Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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