I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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