you will always have a special place in my vag
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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