i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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