I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
