I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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