I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
