You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
