I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
