My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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