Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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