he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize