he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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