I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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