if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
