sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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