easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
