You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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