I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
