I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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