Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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