i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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