Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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