I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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