I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
