this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
