watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize