The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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