she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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