i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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