Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
