I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
