EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
