Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
