this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize