Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
