I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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