I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
