the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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