I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
