.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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