I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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