Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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