im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Why can't burritos get me drunk
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
