You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
